Tales of a Pre-Mid Life Crisis

25 Random Things......

2010-02-19T17:12:00.000-08:00

25 Random Things that people in cyber land may or "may not" know about me.....

1. When I was 10 I was hit by a car on my bike. My sister saw the whole thing go down and said I flew like in ET. Without the basket on my bike.

2. The smell of canned tuna fish makes me want to vomit.

3. I truly miss the "McPizza".

4. My friend Leah and I almost died on a drive to Calgary when we we both took turns driving and BOTH fell asleep at the wheel.

5. I once made my grandma eat cat food during a game of "Fear Factor Yahtzee".

6. On a trip to "Puerto Vallarta", my friends locked me out of the hotel room wearing only a towel and then proceeded to rip it off and take photos of my ass....... which have never been returned to me.

7. My first french kiss was with my cousin. I still feel shamed.

8. My very first piercing was my nipple. I couldn't bear to look at it and passed out in the shower when I had to clean it for the first time.

9. My most painful fracture was when I was showing off in the "speed round" of rollerskating and my wrist broke my fall.

10. I almost got fired from McDonalds for throwing a cheeseburger at a customer.

11. I have a large collection of coca cola memorabilia.

12. I don't laugh as much as I used to.

13. I can no longer drink Rye or Tequila due to previous "over indulgences".

14. I used to call Bugs Bunny "Fuck Funny" when I was younger. My mother never took me into the mall until I had all my teeth after that.

15. I once pushed my cousin into the deep end of my grandparents pool. She couldn't swim. I watched her drown but my aunt ended up saving her.

16. I don't like horror films.

17. I'm scared of diving boards and have a phobia of jumping off of them.

18. I will never forget the hotub "incident" of 94. Neither will Jessica or Tamara.
19. I've failed "Math 30" three times.

20. My first cd was Ace Of Base. I did see the sign.

21. The deepest laugh I've ever had was on a "shrooms" trip. I think my lungs still hurt.

22. One of my favorite movies is "Bring It On".

23. My favorite activities are creating and running obstacle courses. I've been doing them since I was ten years old.

24. I hate folding socks.

25. Intervention always makes me cry.

I must be the WORST blogger ever.....

2010-01-20T19:49:00.000-08:00

I can't believe it has been two years since my last post. I'm poo. I've had this blog since 2002 and if I am counting correctly, i've only ever made about 8 posts. Looking back though, I have to admit.... I'm a total nutcase. :-)

In the last two years I have grown significantly. I've loved, lost, laughed, and cried. Here is the "Coles Notes Version" to bring everyone up to speed:

My dreams of going back to school came crashing down on me. My back finally failed me in the back yard of my house in 2008. I was lifting a paving stone and slipped on the grass and damaged a disc in my back. I went through intensive rehabilitation and was informed by my doctor that I would never be healthy enough to do a job where I had to lift heavy objects or do a lot of twisting and turning. So, no lifting any patients for me.

I was pretty bummed out and after many late night dates with vodka and Cheeto's, I decided to dump all my anger and depression into my real estate career. I was after all good at it and its not an awful job. It has regular hours and pays well.

My relationship with J deteriorated shortly after that. As time went by, he became someone that I didn't recognize anymore and we drifted apart. After 6 1/2 years together, I discovered that he had been "enjoying the company of others" behind my back. Fuck him. He bought my share in our house and I moved out, cats in tow, to my own two bedroom apartment.

After that, I experienced a few brief months of sexual liberation and discovered my passion for intimacy again (a polite way of saying "i got some!!!"). I met some interesting people and found out that dating is definately NOT like what it used to be.

Now, that should bring us to late 2009. I met a bear. Of course he lives in Vancouver because my life can't ever be easy. He's smart, sexy, funny, and good to his family. We're still in the initial stages of "getting to know each other" but I feel like i've known him forever. I had the pleasure of ringing in the new year with him and I know 2010 is gonna be a GREAT year!!

So, it's a new year, and I'm going to get my ass back on track. I will try to do a better job of chronicling my adventures for the amusement of those in cyberspace.

Happy 2010!!

Mike

P.S.

2008-01-17T09:50:00.000-08:00

After reading a delightful post by ImpactED Nurse at http://impactEDnurse.com , I've decided that I never want to be catheterized. So, if any of you fellow nurses are ever standing over me with a garden hose size catheter tube, prepare for a struggle. Just warning you in advance.

Kickboxing, Aerobics and Carrots - Oh My!!

2008-01-17T09:25:00.001-08:00

I'm officially on Day 4 of diet and excercise. Shamefully enough, I have to admit that I feel on top of the world. After fighting with everyone over the benefits of eating carrots and running on treadmills, I admit, I was wrong.

I hadn't been doing too bad since January 1 but couldn't seem to fully commit to getting "healthier". All of that changed when I got my schedule for school and found out that one of my three courses for this semester is delightfully entitled "Personal Health and Wellness". After scrolling through the syllabus, it is literally a full course designed on the discussion of all areas of our own personal lifestyle health choices. Shit.

I'm deathly afraid that I will be the only chubby in the class, let alone the only male (i've heard the ratio of male to female is even lower in the LPN programs then the RN programs). I have this re-occuring nightmare where my classmates use my life as a basis for all of their research papers. I suppose I can thank these horrific dreams for being a good jump start for my motivation. The course also discusses relationships and sex and SPECIFICALLY has a section on the "gay" perspective. I can't wait (add sarcasm here). I didn't realize I had a different perspective then everyone else.

I'm still waiting on my status update from my application to the RN degree program for Fall 2008. I was REALLY hoping to qualify for early acceptance so that I would be able to drop out of the LPN program and get a refund of my tuition before the program started. Looks like that will not happen. I just went online (after checking at least 3 times a day) and received a message that says "application processed - missing documentation". My head is about to snap off as I sent all my transcripts back in mid-December. Now I have to wait for the letter that tells me what is missing so that I can re-submit. And so the adventure begins......

Tell me why I don't like Mondays.

2008-01-07T11:43:00.000-08:00

I'm finally starting to win the war with the influenza fairy. After almost overdosing on Neo Citran and multi-vitamins I am beginning to feel human once again. It comes with good timing as well because I am going to start to get crazy busy as everyone from work is returning from their Christmas and New Years vacations. Anyone with the word "Assistant" in their job title knows that means that I return to being everyone's "bitch".

It appears that now that I finally have my mind fully dedicated to school, a thousand opportunities have now knocked on my door. An old boss of mine is furiously trying to get me to go work for her (for another property management firm) and I recently turned down two other offers for senior positions. Of course these types of offers didn't happen when I was on the verge of walking off my job 6 months ago.

On a side note... I hate the news. I usually avoid reading the newspaper at work because it makes me either sad, angry, or disappointed when I am otherwise in a perfectly happy mood. I can generally tolerate reading about world events, etc. but I always manage to catch the article about animal cruelty and get into a raging ball of fury and anger. For some background, I am a self proclaimed animal lover. I have two kitties who are like my children and would have to say I have a kinship to animals of all types. When I read any article about cruelty to my "best friends" I get so worked up about it that it literally takes me a whole day to get over it. Case and point: I'm standing by the lineup to get water from the water cooler and right beside me the paper is opened up to a headline titled "Cat Cruelty". At this point, I can no longer close the newspaper and can feel the pit of my stomach start to sink. As the paper relays to me, three young teens decided to stick a cat inside a microwave and turn it on. The cat died from severe burns and basically being cooked alive. It was all I could do from trying to restrain myself from driving up to this town and beating these kids with the nearest 2x4 I could find. I can't even fathom this type of animal cruelty. The sad part is that the punishment for animal cruelty is not severe enough in Alberta and as young offenders with no prior records, they will probably only get a slap on the wrist.

Alright, i've vented and feel a little bit better. I'd feel a LOT better though if I knew that more people out there were looking out for our little four legged friends. I'm already an advocate of the local SPCA but sometimes feel like even that is not enough. Perhaps I will add on to my list of New Years resolutions and try to become a "better animal activist".

"There's Only So Much You Can Learn In One Place..."

2008-01-03T09:24:00.000-08:00

"..... the more that I wait, the more time that I waste".

Okay, I already know how gay it is to quote a Madonna song but I am addicted to music and figured that with all of my plans and life changing decisions for 2008 that this quote and song (Jump) was perfect to describe this year.

I know i'm late in posting any of my adventures in Cuba however Christmas nearly knocked me flat on my ass and didn't leave a lot of time for posting. I also managed to catch a vicious flu bug so figured as I am couch bound covered in Vicks Vapour Rub that it was a perfect time to blog. Here goes:

Cuba is an amazing country that is full of history, scenery, and some of the most friendliest people I have ever met. I'm a trip advisor junkie so I pretty much had every detail of the resort and a big list of "things to see" about a month before I even departed. We spent the 7 days in an all inclusive resort in the city of Holguin which is in the south eastern part of Cuba. Unfortunately we were no where close to Havanna so I will have to schedule a trip back so that I can visit the city that EVERYONE talks about. The best way to describe Cuba would be like going back in time about 50 years. Almost every car that roams the streets are over 50 years old. The modern conveniences that exist in our world simply aren't available to Cubans. The poverty is intense yet no one goes hungry or homeless as the government provides everyone with food rations and free medical care. If you ever get the chance to go make sure you leave the resort and find out what Cuban life is really like. Resorts can be re-created anywhere and don't give you any idea of what the country you are visiting is really like. I could go on and on about the social situation in Cuba but honestly have no desire to. I will save those discussions perhaps for another blog.

End result: I came back sunburned (I'm now a few shades less white), relaxed, and ready to start 2008. I also made some amazing friends at the resort who I now have to make vacation plans to go and visit overseas. Thanks to the Brits, I spent three nights going to bed with a bucket beside my bed. Damn can they drink. I'm also not any thinner.

We arrived back to the snowy cold of Canadian winter late on December 23rd. I was pretty wiped out and i'm sure my liver was fighting to detox so I pretty much was comatose in bed on the 24th. My Christmas was pretty bleh as my sister had decided to spend it with her boyfriends family and my mom had gone out of town to spend Christmas with my family. I lost an uncle to cancer on the 26th. It wasn't a very "merry" holiday.

For New Years Eve some friends had convinced us to go to this "Moulin Rouge" night at a downtown upscale French Restaurant. It was pricey and quite mediocre. I hadn't been out for New Years in about six years so I guess I was expecting something spectacular. Instead, it was all of the wait staff dressed up like the girls from the lady marmelade video. There was a mistake with the countdown and New Years had actually passed by the time anyone figured out that we were supposed to be counting down. There was a mad rush to get to the dance floor and all of us got seperated. We all ended up spending New Years by ourselves. It was quite depressing and I really hope that it isn't tradgic foreshadowing. I went home at 12:20am.

So, here officially in writing are my resolutions for 2008:

1) Be nicer to myself.
2) Be healthier and learn to love vegetables.
3) Spend more time with my family (this could be hard with school but I will try)
4) Work hard in school and believe in myself that I can do it

Ok, it's in writing so all of you can bitchslap me when I screw up. I look forward to bitchslapping all of you when you screw up as well. :-)

Happy 2008 Everyone!! Let's make it a good one!!

Sand in my ass and sun in my hair.....

2007-12-14T08:32:00.000-08:00

So, i'm officially on vacation to Cuba as of tomorrow. Things have been hectic around here as I try to scramble to get everything done in time before I go. J and I decided it would be best to get in a vacation before I start school in January. Between working full time and going to school part time, I doubt there will be a lot of serious vacationing going on.

I'm usually more of an "adventure travel" person but J wanted to go on a more relaxing vacation this time so I gave in and we decided on Cuba. My grandmother is already shitting her pants thinking i'm going to join the communist regime and gave me a solid half hour lecture about how she can't understand how I would want to go someplace "like that". I told her she needs to start reading more newspapers and get in touch with the new millenium. I'm a total grandma's boy so I try not to rile her up too much.

I got a letter in the mail saying that my orientation for school was going to be on December 17th (after I had booked my non-refundable vacation package) so I'm already off to a bad start. Trying to get a hold of the correct department and speak to someone about my absence was a total pain in the ass. I think customer service doesn't seem to apply when you are dealing with school administrators. My application for the degree program was sent on December 1st and I am keeping my fingers crossed that I will be able to attend the RN program in the fall. I have completed all of my pre-requisites, I just hope that my GPA is going to be good enough. I really don't want to have to take any more upgrading courses.

Work has been a total nightmare. The mall has been quite busy with Christmas shoppers and the tenants are driving me mental. Being a property manager for a retail center during Christmas is not a lot of fun. I'm sure i'll be gray by New Years Eve. My vacation couldn't of come soon enough.

Anyway, i'm off to eat more vegetables. I still have one day to lose 40 pounds. :-) Looks like i'll be passing on the speedo's this vacation.

Merry Fatmas!!

2007-12-04T11:16:00.000-08:00

Trying to lose weight during Christmas sucks.

Lets face it, i've always been tubby. I unfortunately was blessed with my dad's body and genetics. I know very few males who are diagnosed with hypothyroidism but in my family tree it is passed down the line from father to son. I think I will stick with only having cats and break the chain.

It's not that I can't lose weight, it just means that I have to be extremely regimented in my diet and excercise. Too bad I have the willpower of wet mop. To make matters worse, I'm dating the candyman.

Oh well, tis' the season to over indulge. Perhaps I can start wearing scrubs early. Do you think they have any that go with a suitjacket and tie???

A Clean Bill Of Health

2007-11-28T11:24:00.000-08:00

Much to everyone's dissapointment at work, my arm bubble did not become inflamed or increase in size. I'm officially tuberculosis free.

Now I can go back to kissing boys and sitting on public toilet seats.

I put the "man" in Mantoux

2007-11-26T11:21:00.000-08:00

I can't help but look at my forearm every five minutes and measure to see if the bubble has gotten any bigger. I'm trying not to be neurotic about the whole thing but i've been forced into close proximity with some very dodgy characters (special thanks to Calgary Transit) and have even woken up with some dodgy characters (special thanks to vodka). In all honesty, i'm not even sure how one gets TB but if you ask around, i'm sure it's from kissing boys and sitting on toilet seats in public restrooms.

This should be the last immunization requirement for my entry into the LPN program at my local community college. I was scared that I wouldn't get accepted into the RN program for Fall 2008 so I also applied for the LPN program (and was accepted) starting January 2008. I figured it is a good backup as I can't imagine waiting a whole other year and a half just to get back into school. I can't apply into the RN degree program until December 1st so I am eagerly watching the calendar (in between looking at my arm) and praying for the weekend to come so I can apply.

On a sadder note, it turns out that the Hep B vaccination I received three years ago didn't work. So, I took another punch to arm (or intramuscular injection whichever you prefer) and was told I require yet ANOTHER blood test on December 27th. Nurses really are the gifts that keep on giving......

Are You The One They Call Beowulf?

2007-11-24T10:27:00.000-08:00

So, I finally broke down and went to watch the IMAX presentation of Beowulf in 3D last night. Very cool. The storyline wasn't stellar and personally I enjoyed "300" more then Beowulf but the 3D feature was pretty amazing. I almost shit my seat when an arrow came flying through the screen at me. I'll apologize now to the poor bloke who had to steam clean my seat.

The rest of my day today will be spent Christmas shopping. I'd rather eat glass then spend time in a crowded mall but unfortunately most of my family are those in the "hard to shop for" class and I can't order gifts sitting in my boxer briefs from the comfort of my own home. I think I'll just send everyone a card this year that says "in lieu of your Christmas present, i have donated money to a charity not of your choice. Thank you for supporting the male nurse education scholarship fund." Maybe i'll even throw in some McDonalds gift certificates.

Was I really that angry back then?

2007-11-23T09:29:00.000-08:00

Apparently 2002 was not all that fun of a year for me.

I have recently been spending a lot of time reading through various blogs across the vast internet and thought it would be fun if I chronicled my "pre-mid life" crisis..... or, my decision to venture into the wonderful world of nursing. Upon entering in my email address to get started on the creation of my blog, I discovered that I already had a blog started. It had two posts. It was from five years ago. An entertaining read but I didn't realize what a potty mouth I was back then. Jobs in retail tend to do that to a person. Especially jobs in retail that involve shoes.

Let's skip back to about six years ago......

I was fed up of my work in the hotel industry and left a very prestigious downtown hotel to enter into the glamours world of big box retail. The individual who had hired me had promised me the stars and of course on my first day, delivered me a lower salary, a different schedule, and a new uniform policy. It was quite possibly the worst job i've ever had in my entire life. It was mandated that I wear all black (which was slimming however it looked like I was off to a funeral every day) and really never received a day off in the 8 months that I was there (hence my attitude in my first two posts).

I was quickly becoming broke and needed to vacate my downtown apartment fast. My BF at the time suggested I move in with him and his mother (which sounded like a good idea at the time). Thought #1 - Good ideas often come in bad packages. Anyway, it was a trying experience for all and I only experienced a minimal amount of hair loss.

Then I turned 30 and all hell broke loose.

When I was boy I often dreamed that when I was older I'd have a gigantic condo by the ocean with hardwood floors and stainless steel appliances. I'd sit with my husband Juan Carlos by the beach with the sun glistening off of our six pack abs. My pager would all of a sudden go off and I would be summoned to the hospital for a medical emergency. I'd speed to the ER in my BMW and dive into the blood and action in my scrubs. Ok, so I was a tad materialistic back then but as a trailer park child, I thrived off the dreams that one day, I would leave all of this behind and be successful and truly make a difference in peoples lives.

Fast forward to the big "29".......... I own a house but it is in a seedy area and get teased relentlessly from my work colleagues about "living in the hood". I drive a Saturn. A base model. No upgrades. I'm a glorified paper pusher who spends his day helping other people earn millions of dollars on investments. I love ice cream and have more stretch marks then my sister (who has had two kids). I haven't seen my abs since I was 12. I do have a man though whose name starts with J, but he hasn't seen his abs since he was 12 either. I don't live by the ocean but am surrounded by birds who periodically shit all over my car and house.

The fact of the matter is that as I got older, I cared less and less about the more material things. You learn that stainless steel appliances smear, scratches are a bitch to get out of hardwood floors, expensive houses come with expensive mortgages, love comes in unexpected packages, and weight loss requires hard work and hardly any ice cream. The one dream I could never let go though was the one of me working in the trenches in a hospital. No matter what happened in my life, that little seed kept sprouting and invading my brain with thoughts about nursing. I started watching documentary after documentary and ate my dinner in front of the TV while watching "Trauma: Life in the ER". I finally decided to take the plunge and finally take my chances on my childhood dream (well, at least one of them. I'm pretty sure i'm destined not to have a six pack).

From this point on, I'll do my best to share my quest from leaving the corporate jungle to becoming an RN. I'm sure it will be a ride to remember!!!

My Little Demons

2002-10-22T15:13:00.000-07:00

I've never been one to make a promise I can't keep. So, keeping in tradition, I've decided to start the day off on a happier note. Today, we will discuss "THINGS I HATE". As the days roll by, I'm sure the list will progress but without further adieu, here she blows:

1) That whistling fucking yellow happy face ball from the Wal-Mart commercials. I mean, let's face it.... if you get that close to cumming over a damn 24 cent price roll back on a bag of cheese doodles you need some serious fuckin' help.

2) Gap Sales Associates. Madonna called, she wants her bloody head sets back. I mean, was the whole operation designed to see how many flamers they could fit under one roof? Your clothes don't fit me and I don't LIKE you.

3) Brussel Sprouts. Could nature of provided us with a more disgusting, mushy, green piece of shit? We already have big cabbages so back off!!

4) Clowns. Serial Killers with make-up as far as I'm concerned. Don't touch me, don't touch my kids. Get HELP.

5) Tequila. New Years Eve 1999. You bastard. My liver still curses your name.

Care to add more to the list? WHO CARES, it's my list dammit. More to come I promise.

Yummm..... Naugahyde!!

2002-10-17T20:10:00.000-07:00

Imagine this, you get home after a nice 12 hour shift and open the door to your place of residence. Unfortunately it's not that easy because the cheap bastard of a door sticks and decides it's going to make you attempt to open it a minimum of five times. Now, I forgot to mention that it's a mild -15 Celsius in tropical Calgary so not only are your hands trembling because of the cold, but your balls have now decided to take a vacation to your upper pelvic region. You finally open the door, and are greeted inside but none other then your mother in-law who daintely screams at you in Portugese about how you should have worn a jacket today because it's cold outside. As you mutter "no shit" and try to keep your shrivelled balls from jumping off your body and slapping her in the face..... you walk past the mirror and discover that maybe it wasn't 5 pounds you gained after all..... it was fifteen. You drag yourself to the toilet to take a piss (because damn, a good piss always brings a smile to anyones face) and you stand over the toilet contemplating why the new "faux finish" you did on your bedroom didn't turn out like the one on Trading Spaces. During midstream, your boyfriends loudmouth Parakeet decides to let out a rip roarer of a squak and you peel backwards like a pissing lawn sprinkler. You chant to yourself that it can't get worse but as you get up from the floor, your shirt brushes up against your nose and the smell of leather products wafts through your nose. As the tears begin to well up you realize that yes, you do in fact work in a shoe store. Damn. Double Damn. You try to dry the urine from your dress pants, wash up, and take the routine march to the freezer. You pull out your Hagen Daas, and head upstairs for a good porn. Ahhhhhhh, this is the life......

My name is Mike. Yes, I really do work in a shoe store. This.... is my blog.